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NSFW (in case someone actually takes the time to read it)
The quotes below are (supposedly) complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul, MN which treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments. "I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks." "My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch." "I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt." "My last period looked like meat." "My balls feel soft and mushy." "I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you." "How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?" "I got the dripper." "I have food chunks in my urine." "Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there." "Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind." "I'm releasing semen when I take a crap." "I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man." "I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice." "Can't you put the swab in further?" "I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease." "Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked." "My cervix hurts when I jiggle." "The seam in my circumcision split open." "I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them." "My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits." "From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me." "My pee smells like ham." "I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me." "I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"  i5 2500k | P67 | GTX460 1GB SC | Xonar Essence STX Samsung 2693HM | Sennheiser HD595s
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along. 
Something to offend everyone:
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 55 lb.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage .... along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, and you have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." i5 2500k | P67 | GTX460 1GB SC | Xonar Essence STX Samsung 2693HM | Sennheiser HD595s
Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show
the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared." So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!" "I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "...to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!" i5 2500k | P67 | GTX460 1GB SC | Xonar Essence STX Samsung 2693HM | Sennheiser HD595s Told by a mechanic:  Message Edited by ripfire on 04-02-2007 02:01 PM
 that one made me laugh out alot.
Some people are like slinkies, utterly useless but great fun to push down two flights of stairs.
That is really good!!!! I laughed out loud too...
Broke Back Deer Camp
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night." The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
Here's a geography lesson for all of you, since I'm sure some of you need a refresher on this subject. This is the latest map of the US:
 I particularly like Louisiana! And if anyone is offended by this, learn to laugh at a bit of political incorrectness. Message Edited by Trogdor on 04-09-2007 05:04 PM
What do you call a Mexican Baptism?
A bean dip Why dont they have the olympics in Mexico? Because anyone who can run jump or swim is already accross the border. Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?" There is an American, a German, and a Mexican. They are in all in a boat. The boat is about to sink. Each of them have to throw things out to make the boat lighter. The German throws out 4 cases of beer and says, "We have a lot of beer in Germany so we don't need these!" The Mexican throws out 5 cases of burritos and says, "We have a lot of burritos in Mexico so we don't need these!" The American grabs the Mexican and throws him out. The German asks why he threw the Mexican out. What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man? The PGA tour. Message Edited by Gh3tTo5oLdIeR on 04-11-2007 11:32 AM 
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