Off-Topic - In General

[Callred]

  Good one, Bow   

[Callred]

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and
a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the
minds of either."

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated
by feminine water power...

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

[Egglick]

The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom. The committee chairman explained that the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting f**ked.

[Callred]

 I like that one Egg  

 JOTD #2

 Two guys from Tennessee were driving through Texas one afternoon when they came upon a driver's check point. They were waived to the side and a big Texas Ranger walked over to their car. He stood there a moment looking in, then took his steel flashlight and tapped on the window. The driver rolled the window down and a second later the Ranger popped him upside the head with the flashlight.

 Holding his head he asked; "Why'd you hit me?"

The Ranger answered; "When a Texas Ranger comes up to your car, you have the window down and your license ready, son.."

  The check went fine and the Ranger gave the guy his license back. Before letting them go, he walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window. When it was rolled down he slapped the passenger upside the head with his flashlight.

  Stunned, the passenger shook his head and asked...  "Why in the hell did you hit me?"

  The Ranger grinned and said; "Well son, I just wanted to make your wish come true."

  "My wish? What wish?" asked the second guy.

  The Ranger looked in real close, smiled again and said...

  " I just know that about one minute down the road you'd turn to your friend there and say; 'I wish that Motherf&cker had tried that with me...."

[Napoleon_Nomad]

^ ROFL. The cop is smart.

 

Message Edited by Napoleon_Nomad on 08-04-2006 11:28 AM

[AMDnewbie2005]

---

Egglick wrote:
The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom. The committee chairman explained that the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting f**ked.

---

AMEN!!

[Egglick]

The following comments and questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide... (supposedly)


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?


Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?


Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?


Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.


Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.


Q: Where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.


Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?


Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?


Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?


Q: Were you alone or by yourself?


Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?


Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?


Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?


Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?


Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


Q: So you were gone until you returned?


Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?


Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?


Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.


Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."


Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?


Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[jwhx]

^ Heheheheheh.............those were great. The last one was the best.

[Callred]

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Napoleon_Nomad]

ROFL. Nice one. The jokes keep on coming.

Message Edited by Napoleon_Nomad on 08-07-2006 12:38 PM

[Bowhunters]

A guy from Boston was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent.

With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks !" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston ?"

The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of John Kerry in the middle."

[Callred]

More Redneck Dos and Don'ts

Personal Hygiene

- Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

- Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

Dining Out

- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Entertaining In Your Home

- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

- Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

- If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

Dating (Outside The Family)

- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

- No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.

- Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.

- If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

- Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.

Movie Etiquette

- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings

- Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

- Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.

- When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.

- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a nasty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

- Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

- Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

- Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Tips For All Occasions

- Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

- Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

- The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

- If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

- Always provide an alibi to the police for family members

[Gh3tTo5oLdIeR]

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

Message Edited by Gh3tTo5oLdIeR on 08-08-2006 08:52 AM

[AMDnewbie2005]

---

callred wrote:

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

---

[Callred]

A family was visiting a farm. The little girl pointed at a bull that was exceptionally well endowed and asked, "mommy, what's that thing?" The mother, embarrassed, said, "Oh, Nothing." The little girl then turned to her father, "Daddy, what's that thing?"
"Well," her father answered, "what did your mother say?"
"She said it was nothing."
"You know," he said, "I've spoiled that woman."

[Egglick]

CRAWFORD, TX—According to White House sources, following yet another disappointing grading period for the nation he leads, President Bush hid the national report card in his bedroom sock drawer Monday. "We, as a nation, got a D in international relations, a D in economics, and an F in military history," Bush reportedly said. "We must work hard to make sure no one finds out about this." Critics say the report-card-hiding effort is immature, and point out that the sock drawer is the first place The New York Times will look.





Thanks to The Onion

[Gh3tTo5oLdIeR]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **bleep** your brains out, and suck your **bleep** dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Message Edited by Gh3tTo5oLdIeR on 08-09-2006 08:46 AM

[Callred]

 Goods ones, both of them  /|\     

Message Edited by callred on 08-09-2006 12:59 PM

[Gh3tTo5oLdIeR]

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

[Napoleon_Nomad]

---

Gh3tTo5oLdIeR wrote:
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

---

LMAO.

Message Edited by Napoleon_Nomad on 08-10-2006 01:57 PM

[FS-Pongky]

Ok here's a REALLY juvenile one...

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his penis.  Confused, the bartender asks him why.  The man responds - "It drives me nuts".

[Callred]

  Funny though  /\

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"


"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Message Edited by callred on 08-10-2006 04:12 PM

[FS-Pongky]

HEehe... that's funny. ... Par... hole.

[Egglick]

Graffiti Written on Bathroom Walls

"If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life
then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives."
-- Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.

"God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?"
--The Irish Times.  Washington, D.C.

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
-- The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

Here i am broken hearted,
paid a penny and only farted,
Here I am young and artful,
got in free and did a cartfull !!!

Beauty is only a light switch away.
(Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.)

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
(Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.)

There once was a woman from Nizes,
with tiities of two different sizes.
One was so small it was nothing at all...
and the other so big it won prizes!

Eagles may soar, but Weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!!!

"The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra *
Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.

Under a sign that said
"Employees Must Wash Hands,"
someone scribbled:
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
* Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war.- Hell, do both, get married!
* Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.

Fart loud if you love Jesus!

God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
* The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

Happiness is Coming.

Nuke Gay Whales for Jesus

Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
* Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

I sit here and contemplate
Should I shit or masturbate

"I feel so strongly about toilet graffiti, I signed a partition."

"I F*CKED YOUR MOTHER!"
to which someone else wrote:
"GO HOME DAD YOU'RE DRUNK!"

Express Lane: Five beers or less
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Pheonix, AZ.

(written high upon the wall above a urinal)
Don't look up here, the joke's in your hand.

We aim to please! You aim too! Please!

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, * Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills, CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, * Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills, CA."

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is having sex.

The only difference between pink and purple is the tightness of your grip.

If the dove is the bird of peace, then bird of true love must be the swallow.

If you sprinkle
When you tinkle
Please be neat
And wipe the seat.
**From a ladies room somewhere in Pennsylvania......

"Richard Nixon should pull out before it's too late, just like his father should've."
**Humanities Hall, second floor, men's room, U.C. Irvine, early to middle 1970's.

Here I sit In Noxious Vapor
Someone has used all the paper
I'm late for class I cannot linger
Look out ass Here comes my finger.
**Ballantine Hall, IU-Bloomington

"Don't look now but you've got your best friend by the neck"
**In front of urinal at Baked in Telluride

"If black is beuatiful, I just shit a masterpiece"

Why can't we just all get a bong...
**From the restroom of Maggie Mae's, 6th St., Austin TX.

Eat shit!
1.9 trillion flies (estimated population of flies) can't be ALL wrong.

This toilettpaper is like Clint Eastwood,
tough and hard, and takes no shit.

"My mother made me a whore"
and someone had added:
"If I give her the yarn, will she make me one too?"

Graffiti next to the toilet paper:
"UT degree - please take one"
**Location: University of Austin, Texas.

Life's like a pubic hair on toilet bowl - you soon get pissed off

If mens brains were as big as their balls
there would be a lot less writing on toilet walls.

Remember - more than three shakes is a wank

No matter how much you shake your peg
The last drop always runs down your leg

"Don't throw cigarette butts in the urinal, as it makes them soggy and hard to light."

Marx didn't know that Bismarck would invent unemployment insurance.
-Dwinelle Hall, U.C. Berkeley

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like grandfather.
Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

ANAL INTERCOURSE IS FOR ASSHOLES

"Jesus saves souls, and turns them in for fabulous cash prizes!"
**Crown & Anchor, Austin, Tx.

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted
(followed by)
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

"668, the neighbor of the beast"
**Crown & Anchor, Austin, Tx.

"Save the whales - collect the whole set"
**Crown & Anchor, Austin, Tx.

People who write on bathroom walls
Roll their shit into little balls.
Those who read their words of wit,
eat those little balls of shit.

"JESUS SAVES "
and underneath someone wrote in pencil
"Gretsky rebounds...wrap-around..He shoots, he scores."

urine the bathroom.
urine trouble.
Look what a mess urine.

"For a good time, call ###-#### and ask for Mary.
For a BAD time, tell Mary where you got this number."

As you sit to take a shit
Rest a while and think a bit,
The last time that I beat my meat,
Was on this very toilet seat.

"Stand close. It's shorter than you think."

some very small writing on the bottom of the door
" If you can read this,
you're shitting at a 45 degree angle!!

Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,
the Hillsboro Fire Department want's you.

Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words:
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."

In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant:
It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into shit.
It only takes Burger King 10 minutes.

Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.

While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:
Congratulations! You've one free game of Toilet Tennis! Look Left.
(You look left and it reads
Look Right.
(You look right and it reads
Look Left…

Everybody pisses on the floor.
Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.

(written above a urinal)
Why are you looking up here? Are you ashamed of it?

Some people come here to take a shit,
I come here to leave one.

Don't look now! you're pissing on your neighbors foot

Here I sit
What a caper
I have to shit
But I'm out of paper

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

OVAL OFFICE LIVE CAM

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...

These two have been through a lot of shit together.
My two ass cheeks.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.

Vote Republican - You Ass Holes Deserve It

"$1.49 - All You Can Eat"
(with an arrow pointing down into the toilet)

Message Edited by Egglick on 08-11-2006 03:26 AM

[Callred]

Egg, you have The List ....   we should have used yours to start a whole new thread: GOTD ....  Some of those I'd heard before, many not....      One of my favorites:  A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

[Callred]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him."OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

  As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his "you-know-what" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that damn breathalyzer test again!!!"

[dbro972000]

Okay I think that everyone might have seen this but here goes:

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready"

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call
center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

Message Edited by dbro972000 on 08-11-2006 11:23 AM

[Trogdor]

^ Almost true, except he would say "Yellow, this is Sam/Thomas/[other generic English name]..."

[Gh3tTo5oLdIeR]

I've heard that joke before except a little different, and it's a mexican..

[FS-Pongky]

Heya Trog- good to see you once in a while.  Yes, I've asked them (those that have a deep Indian accent) a few times specifically - "Hm, is your name REALLY Mike?  Really?"  Of course he still contends it's true, but what a load of BS.  If I'm gonna trust someone over the phone, I'd like to know his real name, I mean so what if it's sandeep, kumar or punjab - at least he ain't pretending to be Joe from the Bronx.

[GX-WarSpite]

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at
their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of
going through life without an education. Tomorrow I
think I'll go to the community college and sign up for
some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets
the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four
basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The Dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a
weedeater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater,
I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the Dean says. "Because you have a
yard, I think logically, that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might
logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then
logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you
must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able
to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's
hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells
Bob about his classes; how he is signed up for Math,
English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

[Callred]

Two Women Talking In Heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the
attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every
closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........ we'd both
still be alive.

[Callred]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won
again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day, the
local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of
the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed
the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to
a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much
for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it
to the high plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Alas ... the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY?? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you
much grief and misery, and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and
enjoy life ... STOP WORRYING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE'S ASS, and you'll live
longer and be a lot happier!

[chriscoates81]

^rofl

[FS-Pongky]

Man callred, that was too good, made me laugh quite hard!... no, I won't type lol or rofl, or roflmao or <insert internet laugh acronym here>.

[Egglick]

I've got another ass one for today, though it's not quite as good as Callred's (and has very poor grammar).....




There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride.

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.


The moral of the story:  If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

[Callred]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss Charles The Amazing Italian".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The
Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge
male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was
carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found
the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss
Charles The Amazing Italian".

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his
act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were
placed on the table.

The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants
and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild!

Amazed, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I
saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from
walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

[Callred]

Oldie, but goodie:
   

                   {Calling tech support:}

          I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
  having some problems lately.  I've been running the same version of
  DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
  GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.
 
  I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in
  background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to
  say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them
  separately, and it works okay.
 
  GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf
  program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
  incompatibility.
 
  I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I
  might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
  conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
  experience with GirlFriend 2.0.  He said I probably didn't have
  enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require
  a Token Ring to run properly.  He was right--as soon as I purged my
  cache, it uninstalled itself.
 
  Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs
  were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me
  a virus anyway.  I had to clean out my whole system and shut down
  for a while.
 
  I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0.  This time I used a
  SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It
  worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was
  still in my system.  I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with
  GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I
  didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any
  other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some
  way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
  
  The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
  problems.  Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some
  obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I
  think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather
  than the desired functionality.  Also, to get the best connections
  with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.
  And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
  
  A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
  GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version
  of GirlFriend.  He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires
  within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.  So he did, but
  soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes
  as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't
  load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go
  with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
  
  Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0
  sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new
  Plug-Ins he wanted to try.  On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be
  running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.
  Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0
  which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn-off.
  
  I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if
  you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0
  will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then
  Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
 
  I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system's hardware,
  it's software requirements and compatibilities and be real careful
  about what software you install and when and how you upgrade.

[Bowhunters]

   /\          Hahahaha   I've seen that one before Callred, its good for a laugh

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BIKER JOKE

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

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Not a joke but funny to watch.                  

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm

[Callred]

---

Bowhunters wrote:

   /\          Hahahaha   I've seen that one before Callred, its good for a laugh

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not a joke but funny to watch.                  

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm

---

 I like the joke, Icons was funny.....  ok another biker joke:

Happily Married Biker

Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"