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Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot for young lovers. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing so he carefully approaches to get a closer look.

Inside he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks: "And her... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11minutes."


Veteran Rifleman
chriscoates81
Posts: 2,039
Registered: ‎02-11-2005

Re: JOTD

Technical Term Explanation

Rotate anticlockwise.

Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

This is a snug fit.

You will skin your knuckles!

This is a tight fit.

Not a hope in hell matey!

As described in Chapter 7...

That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Pry...

Hammer a screwdriver into...

Undo...

Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Retain tiny spring...

"Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Press and rotate to remove bulb...

OK, that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Lightly...

Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Weekly checks...

If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Routine maintenance...

If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

One spanner rating.

Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Two spanner rating.

Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Three spanner rating.

But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Four spanner rating.

You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Five spanner rating.

OK, but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Some people are like slinkies, utterly useless but great fun to push down two flights of stairs.
Veteran Rifleman
chriscoates81
Posts: 2,039
Registered: ‎02-11-2005

Re: JOTD

Compress...

Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Inspect...

Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Carefully...

You are about to cut yourself!

Retaining nut...

Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Get an assistant...

Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.

However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.

But you swear in different places.

Prise away plastic locating pegs...

Snap off...

Using a suitable drift...

The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Everyday toolkit

Ensure you have an AA Card & Mobile Phone

Apply moderate heat...

Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Index

List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Some people are like slinkies, utterly useless but great fun to push down two flights of stairs.
Black Ops
Egglick
Posts: 8,483
Registered: ‎01-28-2004

Re: JOTD

Earlier this evening, President Bush received a phone call from Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. Gates informed him that 3 Brazilian soldiers had just been killed in Iraq. Upon hearing the news Bush turned pale, hung his head in despair, and was silent for several moments. After regaining his composure he replied:
 
"This is a terrible tragedy Bob, but can you tell me exactly how many is a 'brazilian'?
Airborne Ranger
ExcaliburXVII
Posts: 4,090
Registered: ‎07-28-2006

Re: JOTD

Old, and not even funny.
Black Ops
Egglick
Posts: 8,483
Registered: ‎01-28-2004

Re: JOTD

^ Eh....if you've never heard it, it can be funny. 

Anyway, here's another "old" one, but you can still appreciate the humor.....





My company recently hired a new technician.  At first he seemed to know what he was doing, but soon he got in over his head. A customer brought in a system and said she couldn't get on the Internet.  When the tech couldn't get the Plug-n-Play modem to work under Windows 3.1, he assumed it was a new modem, and it couldn't be done. He called her.

Tech Support: "Ok, this modem, since it is plug-n-play, will not work in Windows 3.1. You'll have to get a new modem or install the Windows 95 upgrade."
Customer: "But I've been using that modem for over a year in Windows 3.1, and it never gave me any problems."
Tech Support: "Well it doesn't work now."
Customer: "If it worked before, why would it not work now?"
Tech Support: "Lightning must have hit it, and now it won't work in anything but Windows 95."




Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD



ExcaliburXVII wrote:
Old, and not even funny.


 I thought it was funny as hell ...  :smileyvery-happy: 

Black Ops
Egglick
Posts: 8,483
Registered: ‎01-28-2004

Re: JOTD

Hillbilly Medical Terms


Benign... What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria... Back door to cafeteria.

Barium... What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section... A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan... Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize... Made eye contact with her.

Colic... A sheep dog.

Coma... A punctuation mark.

D&C... Where Washington is.

Dilate... To live long.

Enema... Not a friend.

Fester... Quicker than someone else.

Fibula... A small lie.

G.I.Series... World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail... What you hang your coat on.

Impotent... Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain... Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff... A Doctor's cane.

Morbid... A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates... Cheaper than day rates.

Node... I knew it.

Outpatient... A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear... A fatherhood test.

Pelvis... Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative... A letter carrier.

Recovery Room... Place to do upholstery.

Rectum... Damn near killed him.

Secretion... Hiding something

Seizure... Roman emperor.

Tablet... A small table.

Tumor... More than one.

Urine... Opposite of mine.

Varicose... Near by/close by
Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD


Brigadier General
ZeroGuardian
Posts: 5,940
Registered: ‎01-25-2006

Re: JOTD



callred wrote:


LMAO!!!!! :smileyvery-happy: :smileyvery-happy: :smileyvery-happy:

If you make it idiot proof, they will just make a better idiot.
Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

[ Edited ]
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had
to  confess to her man  about her childhood illness.   She informed Herb
that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the  maturity of a
12 year old.
 
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.   However, Herb
felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that  he had a
deformity too.
 
Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said   .   .   .   .   "I too have a
problem. My penis is  the same size as an infant and I hope you could
deal with that once we are  married."
 
She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size
penis."
 
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, holding one another   .   .   .
 
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out
of  the room!
 
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
 
She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
 
 
Yes, it is dear  .   .   .   .  its  8 pounds, 7 ounces,  and  19 inches long.
 
 
Sqitso hasn't been around lately or i'm sure he'd say that was his wedding night!
 
 
 
 


Message Edited by Bowhunters on 06-09-2007 01:35 AM
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Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

1. Don't Sweat The Petty Things And Don't Pet The Sweaty Things.
2. One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.....
3. Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization.
4. If Man Evolved From Monkeys And Apes, Why Do We Still Have Monkeys And Apes? One Thinks They Would Have Expired From Shame...
5. The Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live.
6. I Went To A Bookstore And Asked The Saleswoman, "where's The Self-help Section?" She Said If She Told Me, It Would Defeat The Purpose.
7. What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?
8. If A Deaf Person Swears, Does His Mother Wash His Hands With Soap?
9. If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation?
10. Is There Another Word For Synonym?
11. Where Do Forest Rangers Go To "get Away From It All?"
12. What Do You Do When You See An Endangered Animal Eating An Endangered Plant?
13. If A Parsley Farmer Is Sued, Can They Garnish His Wages?
14. Would A Fly Without Wings Be Called A Walk?
15. Why Do They Lock Gas Station Bathrooms? Are They Afraid Someone Will Clean Them?
16. If A Turtle Doesn't Have A Shell, Is He Homeless Or Naked?
17. Can Vegetarians Eat Animal Crackers?
18. If The Police Arrest A Mime, Do They Tell Him He Has The Right To Remain Silent?
19. Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines?
20. How Do They Get Deer To Cross The Road Only At Those Yellow Road Signs?
21. What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?
22. One Nice Thing About Egotists: They Don't Talk About Other People.
23. Does The Little Mermaid Wear An Algebra?
24. Do Infants Enjoy Infancy As Much As Adults Enjoy Adultery?
25. How Is It Possible To Have A Civil War?
26. If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do The Rest Drown Too?
27. If You Ate Both Pasta And Antipasto, Would You Still Be Hungry?
28. If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done?
29. Whose Cruel Idea Was It For The Word "lisp" To Have "s" In It?
30. Why Are Hemorrhoids Called "hemorrhoids" Instead Of "assteroids"?
31. Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot At Them?
32. Why Is There An Expiration Date On Sour Cream?
33. If You Spin An Oriental Man In A Circle Three Times Does He Become Disoriented?
34. Can An Atheist Get Insurance Against Acts Of God?


Brigadier General
ZeroGuardian
Posts: 5,940
Registered: ‎01-25-2006

Re: JOTD

^Deffintly some good ones there. LOL :smileyvery-happy:

I have some to add...

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
Can you cry underwater?
Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?
If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"?
How did Walt Disney figure out how to make people pay to stand in lines all day?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why are red buttons always the most important?
Could you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"?
Can you slam a revolving door?
Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
Why is the person who invests your money called a broker?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?



If you make it idiot proof, they will just make a better idiot.
Regular Infantry
rocketv8
Posts: 949
Registered: ‎01-26-2005

Re: JOTD

Special Ed Christmas carols:
 
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
11. Autism- Jingle bell rock, and rock, and rock...
12. Tourette's- Have yourself a merry #$%& christmas 
Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

Four married guys go fishing:
 
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing  this weekend.   I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the  house next weekend.
 
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new  deck".
 
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy!  I had to promise my wife that I will remodel  the kitchen for her."
 
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word
 
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.  What's the deal?"
 
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.   When it went off, I shut off my alarm,  gave my wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex?"    She said, "Wear  sun-block."



Regular Infantry
madnuke
Posts: 1,470
Registered: ‎04-16-2005

Re: JOTD

Wanna know a great joke?...


The current administration running this country!


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH

-_-
Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD



MadNuke wrote:
Wanna know a great joke?...


The current administration running this country!


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH

-_-


An even funnier joke.
 
The next President of the U.S.A.  -  Hillary Clinton
 
 
Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahah!!!!    :smileyvery-happy:
 
 
 
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Delta Force
Trogdor
Posts: 11,505
Registered: ‎01-07-2004

Re: JOTD

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies...[wait for it!] "You just happened to catch my eye."
      Gigabyte GA-DQ6-X38 | Core 2 Quad Q6600
CPU @ 9x367 (3.33GHz) | OCZ 2x2GB DDR2-800 4-4-4-12
2 x ATI HD 3870 CrossFire | 750GB and 320GB HDD
Blooded Grunt
Posts: 2,465
Registered: ‎11-14-2004

Re: JOTD

^ Lol. Thats a classic ^

--------------------------------------

My boss told me this one as we were all waiting to clock out friday. (I love my work :smileyvery-happy:)

There was a white guy in a tribe full of black people. One day one of the tribal women had a white baby.  So the chief of the tribe went to the white guy and asked him how one of their women could have a white baby, when he was the only white guy there?  The guy looked to the pasture and said, "See all those white sheep out in the pasture?"  The chief said yes, then the white guy said "Do you see that one black sheep out in the pasture?"  The chief got a stunned look on his face and said "Ok, ok... You don't tell and I won't tell, ok?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day Dave was bragging to all his friends about this really cute girl he had had sex with over the weekend, and at one point the girls mother had even walked up in front of them.  We'll wanting to here what happened next, all his friends were begging him to tell them what happened when this girls mom walked up!  He just looked at them and said "She said 'Baaaaaaaaaa' ".

----------------------------------------------

hahaha... Sorry for the sheep jokes, I just thought they were pretty funny.
___________________
This space for rent
Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

Great joke Trogdor  :smileyvery-happy:
 
 
 
 
 

A man approached a very beautiful young woman in a store.

"Excuse me," he said, "I've lost my wife somehow, can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion, said, "Certainly, Sir, do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea... but every time I talk to a good looking woman with boobs like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

 

11 Bay InWin Q500 Tower - Antec Tru Power Trio 650 PSU - 3 Case Fans - ASUS P5B Deluxe Wi-Fi AP - Intel E6600 - 4GB Corsair XMS2 DDR2 800 - EVGA GTX260 216 - Creative Labs Audigy2 ZS - 2ea 400GB Seagate SATA300 HD's - NEC 3550A DVD-DL - Toshiba Floppy - Pinnacle AV/DV Deluxe TV Card
Pathfinder
Transco901
Posts: 5,076
Registered: ‎07-29-2006

Re: JOTD



ZeroGuardian wrote:


callred wrote:


LMAO!!!!! :smileyvery-happy: :smileyvery-happy: :smileyvery-happy:


LMAO x 2   Thanks for the laugh..

Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

Does the Admin exist?


Is There An Admin?

Given that there is a lot of discussion about whether or not our LAN really does have an Admin, and given that no empirical evidence of the existence or non-existence of the Admin is extant, I thought it would be helpful to have a frank and open discussion about the issues surrounding the concept.

Here are some popular arguments:

Argument from Design:
1. One looks at a simple computer, and sees evidence of intelligent design.
2. One looks at a Sun Sparc 20 and... um... well... Okay, One looks at a DEC Alpha and sees evidence of intelligent design.
3. It is therefore likely that something created them.
4. One looks at the network and sees evidence of intelligent design.
5. It is therefore likely that something created it. That something is the Admin.

Counter-argument:
1. If you think the network implies intelligent design, you haven't seen *our* network.
2. Even assuming this proves the existence of an Admin, there's no evidence the Admin is intelligent.

First Causes argument:
1. When my computer comes on, it is because I turned it on. My computer cannot turn itself on.
2. When I turn my computer on and connect to the network, the network is already there waiting for me.
3. I know I did not activate the network.
4. Therefore, something must have caused the network to exist.
5. That something could be the Router, but then what installed the Router?
6. That something must be the Admin.

Counter-argument:
1. So what caused the Admin?
2. Still doesn't prove the Admin is intelligent.

The Argument from Popularity:
1. Almost everyone believes that the Admin exists. Those who don't believe He exists are in the minority.
2. Many respected people claim to have received email from Him.
3. In almost any company since the dawn of the Computer Age, there has been some form of Admin myth.
4. Given the universality of the myths, it is unlikely that such myths are not based on truth.

Counter-argument:
1. Most users are clueless morons who need to believe in the Great Benevolent Super-User, and that He protects and watches over their data.
2. So who's to say it's the Admin that HR claims to have hired? Why not Brian Kernighan or Cliff Stoll, or Zeus, or Thor or any other such mythical creature?

The Argument from Authority:
1. Management insists that the Admin exists.
Specifically:
a. HR insists that they hired Him
b. Accounting claims to have PO's signed by Him
c. MIS has the The Big Book of Documentation, written by Him or His disciples.

Counter-argument:
1. Since when has Management known what they were doing?
2. Using the Big Book of Documentation as proof that the BBoD was written by the Admin is circular. It could be a fabrication.

The Cartesian Argument:
1. No user can create a more Super account than he himself possesses.
2. No user can grant greater system privileges than he himself possesses.
3. All users have heard of the root account, and that the root account is omnipotent and possesses all privileges.
4. Since the concept of the root account is greater than the accounts possessed by the users, the users cannot have created the concept of the root account. Therefore the concept of the root account must come from something that possesses those privileges.
5. There is an entry for 'root' in /etc/passwd.
6. The root account can only have been created by the Super User, the Admin.

Counter-argument:
1. Statement 1 is a dubious premise.
2. The existence of the root account is not proof that anyone ever logs into that account.
3. Still doesn't prove that the Admin is intelligent.

The Ontological Proof:
1. Given: The property of existence is more Super than the property of non-existence.
2. The Admin is defined as "a user, than which no more Super user can be conceived".
3. No matter how great a Super User you can conceive which possesses the property of non-existence, you can then add the property of existence and make the Super User even more Super.
4. Therefore, the Admin exists.

Counter-argument:
1. Rests on a dubious definition of what is and is not Super.
2. The concept of a Super User is nowhere near analogous to the Super User itself. I can conceive of something, but that's only the concept of it, not the thing itself.

The Spinozist Argument:
1. The Admin is defined as the most perfect user possible.
2. The property of necessary existence means that anything which possesses it must necessarily exist.
3. If existence is better than non-existence (see the ontological proof), then necessary existence is better still.
4. Any perfect user must possess the property of necessary existence.
5. Therefore the Admin must necessarily exist.

However:
6. Being perfect, the Admin cannot make mistakes, delete the wrong account, trash the root directory, mess up a tape load, etc.
7. Being perfect, the Admin can not be capable of goal-directed action, because such action would imply that the network is somehow less than perfect in its current state.
8. Therefore, the Admin is really more of a force of nature within the system.
9. Arguably, then the Admin *is* the system itself.

Counter-argument:
1. None, since the Admin has been defined to the point where it is a totally useless concept, there's no point in arguing.

At least this resolves one of the major issues: the Spinozist argument proves that *if* the Admin does exist, it cannot be intelligent.




Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit
a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the
Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we
have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another quest
ion, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect the crumbs,
we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then,
they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from
the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them
to the Internal Revenue Service."

" Internal Revenue Service?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And about once
a year, they send us a little prick like you."
 
 
 
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Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

:smileyvery-happy:  :smileyvery-happy:  :smileyvery-happy:, good one, Bow...


Black Ops
Egglick
Posts: 8,483
Registered: ‎01-28-2004

Re: JOTD

This is from a few years ago and I don't know how many have heard it, but anyway.....


Why did the Chicken Cross the road?


GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANZ BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

JACQUES CHIRAC: We will veto any resolution regarding non-compliance of the chicken whether it has or has not crossed the road!

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador): The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

BILL CLINTON: I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
Blooded Grunt
Posts: 2,465
Registered: ‎11-14-2004

Re: JOTD

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

^^^Thats my fav one^^^
___________________
This space for rent
Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

Great joke Egg!  :smileyvery-happy:
 
 
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Sharpshooter
Kessandra
Posts: 8,149
Registered: ‎02-02-2007

Re: JOTD

Haha xD
Green Cadet
GooseMan
Posts: 322
Registered: ‎02-02-2004

Re: JOTD

This kind old, sorry if you have read it before ....

A dialogue between IT Guy and his wife, when he come home late at night

IT Guys : Honey, I'm logged in ...
Wife : Are you brought me the thing I ask you ?
IT Guy : Bad command or filename
Wife : But I have told you this morning ...
IT Guy : Syntax error, Abort ?
Wife : How about new sofa we talked about before ?
IT Guy : Variable not found
Wife : Okay then, let me buy it. Give me your Credit Card !
IT Guy : Sharing violation. Access denied
Wife : How about your salary ?
IT Guy : File in use, try again later ...
Wife : You are useless !
IT Guy : It's by default ..
Wife : Do you love me or not ? Or you have seen another woman ?
IT Guy : Too many parameters ...
Wife : So, what is my position in your heart ?
IT Guy : Unknown virus ....


GooseMan


Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

Gooseman, interesting dialog and phrasing. What part of the world do you live in if I might ask? :smileyhappy:


Green Cadet
GooseMan
Posts: 322
Registered: ‎02-02-2004

Re: JOTD



callred wrote:
Gooseman, interesting dialog and phrasing. What part of the world do you live in if I might ask? :smileyhappy:



The part that consists many 1's and 0's :smileyvery-happy:

GooseMan
Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD



GooseMan wrote:


callred wrote:
Gooseman, interesting dialog and phrasing. What part of the world do you live in if I might ask? :smileyhappy:



The part that consists many 1's and 0's :smileyvery-happy:

GooseMan


 Funny Dude  :smileyhappy:  Not to take my own thread off topic, but the syntax reminds me of the Ukraine. I was just curious...

Green Cadet
GooseMan
Posts: 322
Registered: ‎02-02-2004

Re: JOTD



callred wrote:

 Funny Dude  :smileyhappy:  Not to take my own thread off topic, but the syntax reminds me of the Ukraine. I was just curious...


Sorry for late response, been busy ....
I'm live in same country as 18-DELTA-MRD but my origin same as Pongky :smileywink:

GooseMan
Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

 

 

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
        At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

 

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(
I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear
" the rules"
From the female side.

 


Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

 

 

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem
only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
Problem.

 See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls,
don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the
  other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did
NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not
A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it
will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear!

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or
golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.
Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger Laugh

 

 




Field Marshal
bysmitty
Posts: 9,231
Registered: ‎09-28-2005

Re: JOTD

[ Edited ]
^ That is a oldie but a goodie.

My favorite:
"1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!"


...bysmitty

Message Edited by bysmitty on 07-19-2007 11:16 AM
Green Cadet
GooseMan
Posts: 322
Registered: ‎02-02-2004

Re: JOTD



bysmitty wrote:
^ That is a oldie but a goodie.

My favorite:
"1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!"


...bysmitty

Message Edited by bysmitty on 07-19-2007 11:16 AM

I'd said that many times to my wife :smileyvery-happy:

GooseMan
Black Ops
supercharge
Posts: 6,240
Registered: ‎07-02-2007

Re: JOTD

^^ The Man Rules was a funny one. :smileyvery-happy:
Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD



GooseMan wrote:


bysmitty wrote:
^ That is a oldie but a goodie.

My favorite:
"1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!"


...bysmitty

Message Edited by bysmitty on 07-19-2007 11:16 AM

I'd said that many times to my wife :smileyvery-happy:

GooseMan


Yep, same here. Don't know how many times i've had to say that i'm not a very good mind reader.
 
 

 
11 Bay InWin Q500 Tower - Antec Tru Power Trio 650 PSU - 3 Case Fans - ASUS P5B Deluxe Wi-Fi AP - Intel E6600 - 4GB Corsair XMS2 DDR2 800 - EVGA GTX260 216 - Creative Labs Audigy2 ZS - 2ea 400GB Seagate SATA300 HD's - NEC 3550A DVD-DL - Toshiba Floppy - Pinnacle AV/DV Deluxe TV Card
Black Ops
Egglick
Posts: 8,483
Registered: ‎01-28-2004

Re: JOTD

One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in front of him.

"Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?" he asks the lady.

"Help yourself", she replies.

After about an hour, he gets up to leave, and notices that he's eaten almost all the peanuts in the bowl.  "I apologize," he says to the elderly lady. "I only meant to eat a few."

"That's okay," the lady says, "Since I lost my teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them."
Field Marshal
FS-Pongky
Posts: 6,320
Registered: ‎12-29-2003

Re: JOTD



Egglick wrote:
Earlier this evening, President Bush received a phone call from Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. Gates informed him that 3 Brazilian soldiers had just been killed in Iraq. Upon hearing the news Bush turned pale, hung his head in despair, and was silent for several moments. After regaining his composure he replied:
 
"This is a terrible tragedy Bob, but can you tell me exactly how many is a 'brazilian'?


Heheh, I thought it was really funny - though it took me 3 reads to finally "get" it.. haha, man, do I need this coming weekend...
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