 
|
 |
 |
|
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
turn on suggestions
 Auto-suggest helps you quickly narrow down your search results by suggesting possible matches as you type.
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot for young lovers. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing so he carefully approaches to get a closer look.
Inside he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks: "And her... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11minutes." 
Technical Term Explanation
Rotate anticlockwise. Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. This is a snug fit. You will skin your knuckles! This is a tight fit. Not a hope in hell matey! As described in Chapter 7... That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Pry... Hammer a screwdriver into... Undo... Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size). Retain tiny spring... "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"! Press and rotate to remove bulb... OK, that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part. Lightly... Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now. Weekly checks... If it isn't broken don't fix it! Routine maintenance... If it isn't broken... it's about to be! One spanner rating. Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up? Two spanner rating. Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Three spanner rating. But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job. Four spanner rating. You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb! Five spanner rating. OK, but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!! If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Some people are like slinkies, utterly useless but great fun to push down two flights of stairs.
Compress... Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath. Inspect... Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"! Carefully... You are about to cut yourself! Retaining nut... Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Get an assistant... Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed. However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. But you swear in different places. Prise away plastic locating pegs... Snap off... Using a suitable drift... The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! Everyday toolkit Ensure you have an AA Card & Mobile Phone Apply moderate heat... Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Index List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
Some people are like slinkies, utterly useless but great fun to push down two flights of stairs.
1. Don't Sweat The Petty Things And Don't Pet The Sweaty Things.
2. One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor..... 3. Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization. 4. If Man Evolved From Monkeys And Apes, Why Do We Still Have Monkeys And Apes? One Thinks They Would Have Expired From Shame... 5. The Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live. 6. I Went To A Bookstore And Asked The Saleswoman, "where's The Self-help Section?" She Said If She Told Me, It Would Defeat The Purpose. 7. What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions? 8. If A Deaf Person Swears, Does His Mother Wash His Hands With Soap? 9. If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation? 10. Is There Another Word For Synonym? 11. Where Do Forest Rangers Go To "get Away From It All?" 12. What Do You Do When You See An Endangered Animal Eating An Endangered Plant? 13. If A Parsley Farmer Is Sued, Can They Garnish His Wages? 14. Would A Fly Without Wings Be Called A Walk? 15. Why Do They Lock Gas Station Bathrooms? Are They Afraid Someone Will Clean Them? 16. If A Turtle Doesn't Have A Shell, Is He Homeless Or Naked? 17. Can Vegetarians Eat Animal Crackers? 18. If The Police Arrest A Mime, Do They Tell Him He Has The Right To Remain Silent? 19. Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines? 20. How Do They Get Deer To Cross The Road Only At Those Yellow Road Signs? 21. What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread? 22. One Nice Thing About Egotists: They Don't Talk About Other People. 23. Does The Little Mermaid Wear An Algebra? 24. Do Infants Enjoy Infancy As Much As Adults Enjoy Adultery? 25. How Is It Possible To Have A Civil War? 26. If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do The Rest Drown Too? 27. If You Ate Both Pasta And Antipasto, Would You Still Be Hungry? 28. If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done? 29. Whose Cruel Idea Was It For The Word "lisp" To Have "s" In It? 30. Why Are Hemorrhoids Called "hemorrhoids" Instead Of "assteroids"? 31. Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot At Them? 32. Why Is There An Expiration Date On Sour Cream? 33. If You Spin An Oriental Man In A Circle Three Times Does He Become Disoriented? 34. Can An Atheist Get Insurance Against Acts Of God?
^Deffintly some good ones there. LOL
 I have some to add... Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section? Can you cry underwater? Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground? If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"? How did Walt Disney figure out how to make people pay to stand in lines all day? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why are red buttons always the most important? Could you be a closet claustrophobic? Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"? Can you slam a revolving door? Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism? Why is a square meal served on round plates? Why is the person who invests your money called a broker? Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters? If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?  If you make it idiot proof, they will just make a better idiot. Four married guys go fishing: First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend. Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck". Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex?" She said, "Wear sun-block."
^ Lol. Thats a classic ^
-------------------------------------- My boss told me this one as we were all waiting to clock out friday. (I love my work )There was a white guy in a tribe full of black people. One day one of the tribal women had a white baby. So the chief of the tribe went to the white guy and asked him how one of their women could have a white baby, when he was the only white guy there? The guy looked to the pasture and said, "See all those white sheep out in the pasture?" The chief said yes, then the white guy said "Do you see that one black sheep out in the pasture?" The chief got a stunned look on his face and said "Ok, ok... You don't tell and I won't tell, ok?" -------------------------------------------------- One day Dave was bragging to all his friends about this really cute girl he had had sex with over the weekend, and at one point the girls mother had even walked up in front of them. We'll wanting to here what happened next, all his friends were begging him to tell them what happened when this girls mom walked up! He just looked at them and said "She said 'Baaaaaaaaaa' ". ---------------------------------------------- hahaha... Sorry for the sheep jokes, I just thought they were pretty funny. Great joke Trogdor A man approached a very beautiful young woman in a store. "Excuse me," he said, "I've lost my wife somehow, can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman, feeling a bit of compassion, said, "Certainly, Sir, do you know where your wife might be?" "I have no idea... but every time I talk to a good looking woman with boobs like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Does the Admin exist?
Is There An Admin? Given that there is a lot of discussion about whether or not our LAN really does have an Admin, and given that no empirical evidence of the existence or non-existence of the Admin is extant, I thought it would be helpful to have a frank and open discussion about the issues surrounding the concept. Here are some popular arguments: Argument from Design: 1. One looks at a simple computer, and sees evidence of intelligent design. 2. One looks at a Sun Sparc 20 and... um... well... Okay, One looks at a DEC Alpha and sees evidence of intelligent design. 3. It is therefore likely that something created them. 4. One looks at the network and sees evidence of intelligent design. 5. It is therefore likely that something created it. That something is the Admin. Counter-argument: 1. If you think the network implies intelligent design, you haven't seen *our* network. 2. Even assuming this proves the existence of an Admin, there's no evidence the Admin is intelligent. First Causes argument: 1. When my computer comes on, it is because I turned it on. My computer cannot turn itself on. 2. When I turn my computer on and connect to the network, the network is already there waiting for me. 3. I know I did not activate the network. 4. Therefore, something must have caused the network to exist. 5. That something could be the Router, but then what installed the Router? 6. That something must be the Admin. Counter-argument: 1. So what caused the Admin? 2. Still doesn't prove the Admin is intelligent. The Argument from Popularity: 1. Almost everyone believes that the Admin exists. Those who don't believe He exists are in the minority. 2. Many respected people claim to have received email from Him. 3. In almost any company since the dawn of the Computer Age, there has been some form of Admin myth. 4. Given the universality of the myths, it is unlikely that such myths are not based on truth. Counter-argument: 1. Most users are clueless morons who need to believe in the Great Benevolent Super-User, and that He protects and watches over their data. 2. So who's to say it's the Admin that HR claims to have hired? Why not Brian Kernighan or Cliff Stoll, or Zeus, or Thor or any other such mythical creature? The Argument from Authority: 1. Management insists that the Admin exists. Specifically: a. HR insists that they hired Him b. Accounting claims to have PO's signed by Him c. MIS has the The Big Book of Documentation, written by Him or His disciples. Counter-argument: 1. Since when has Management known what they were doing? 2. Using the Big Book of Documentation as proof that the BBoD was written by the Admin is circular. It could be a fabrication. The Cartesian Argument: 1. No user can create a more Super account than he himself possesses. 2. No user can grant greater system privileges than he himself possesses. 3. All users have heard of the root account, and that the root account is omnipotent and possesses all privileges. 4. Since the concept of the root account is greater than the accounts possessed by the users, the users cannot have created the concept of the root account. Therefore the concept of the root account must come from something that possesses those privileges. 5. There is an entry for 'root' in /etc/passwd. 6. The root account can only have been created by the Super User, the Admin. Counter-argument: 1. Statement 1 is a dubious premise. 2. The existence of the root account is not proof that anyone ever logs into that account. 3. Still doesn't prove that the Admin is intelligent. The Ontological Proof: 1. Given: The property of existence is more Super than the property of non-existence. 2. The Admin is defined as "a user, than which no more Super user can be conceived". 3. No matter how great a Super User you can conceive which possesses the property of non-existence, you can then add the property of existence and make the Super User even more Super. 4. Therefore, the Admin exists. Counter-argument: 1. Rests on a dubious definition of what is and is not Super. 2. The concept of a Super User is nowhere near analogous to the Super User itself. I can conceive of something, but that's only the concept of it, not the thing itself. The Spinozist Argument: 1. The Admin is defined as the most perfect user possible. 2. The property of necessary existence means that anything which possesses it must necessarily exist. 3. If existence is better than non-existence (see the ontological proof), then necessary existence is better still. 4. Any perfect user must possess the property of necessary existence. 5. Therefore the Admin must necessarily exist. However: 6. Being perfect, the Admin cannot make mistakes, delete the wrong account, trash the root directory, mess up a tape load, etc. 7. Being perfect, the Admin can not be capable of goal-directed action, because such action would imply that the network is somehow less than perfect in its current state. 8. Therefore, the Admin is really more of a force of nature within the system. 9. Arguably, then the Admin *is* the system itself. Counter-argument: 1. None, since the Admin has been defined to the point where it is a totally useless concept, there's no point in arguing. At least this resolves one of the major issues: the Spinozist argument proves that *if* the Admin does exist, it cannot be intelligent.
The Man Rules
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
1. Men are NOT mind readers. See a doctor. to give them a bigger Laugh
I'd said that many times to my wife GooseMan
Yep, same here. Don't know how many times i've had to say that i'm not a very good mind reader. Heheh, I thought it was really funny - though it took me 3 reads to finally "get" it.. haha, man, do I need this coming weekend... 
|
|
|||||
& 
|
||||||
 |
 |