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Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

JOTD - Funny stuff since 2006

[ Edited ]
Medicare:

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."...... "Mrs.
Ward,Please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a sample from
another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with
him."
Message Edited by PS2Fish on 03-25-2008 05:32 PM

Field Marshal
FS-Pongky
Posts: 6,320
Registered: ‎12-29-2003

Re: JOTD

Hehe...
Regular Infantry
Captain-Zet
Posts: 1,190
Registered: ‎05-19-2006

Re: JOTD

lol, tha's a good one, I know much jokes as well, but most are racistic ones, and I don't think they're allowd here, btw: I'm not a klukker I'm not a neo-nazi as well I'm NOT against black/brown/yellow people at all I don't hate peoples religions...altho I know this wacky satanist which freaks me out.

Green Cadet
Gt4-squad
Posts: 1,138
Registered: ‎03-31-2006

Re: JOTD

:robotvery-happy:  haha  LMAO  (rofl-col)  pretty darn hilarious there!!
Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!!

Regular Infantry
Napoleon_Nomad
Posts: 1,076
Registered: ‎05-02-2006

Re: JOTD

LMAO. Nice one.

Dells rules, Apple rules, Nvidia rules
Field Marshal
FS-Pongky
Posts: 6,320
Registered: ‎12-29-2003

Re: JOTD



callred wrote:
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!!



So I suppose the first paragraph of your account is the non-fictional part?
Blooded Grunt
Posts: 1,871
Registered: ‎08-25-2005

Re: JOTD

I had heard this joke before but still funny the second time around.  3 lols.
Black Ops
jwhx
Posts: 12,487
Registered: ‎03-02-2004

Re: JOTD

How do you get a nun pregnant?

 

 

 

 

 

You have sex with her.    Duh!

Image Created by Indigo196
Shock Trooper
ripfire
Posts: 3,439
Registered: ‎01-07-2004

Re: JOTD


1ST DAY OF SCHOOL
It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class. As the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on the chalkboard:

 'T T T 1 A'

She looked at the children and  said: "Who wrote this?"
Little Keith raises his hand and says: " I did, teacher."

"Well, what does it mean, Keith?" asked the teacher.
Keith answers: "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Apple', and with that, he gave the teacher an apple.

"Very  good', says the teacher, "Thank you".

The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom and notices, once again something written on  the board. This time the chalkboard reads:

'T T T 1 O'

She asks the  children: "Who wrote this?"
Then little Bobby answers: "I did, teacher."
The teacher says: "Well Bobby, what does it mean?"
Bobby  replies: "It means 'To The Teacher 1 Orange'. And he gives the teacher an orange.

"Very nice, Bobby, thank you" said the teacher.
The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and notices on the chalkboard:

' F U C K 1 T'

Disappointed the teacher exclaimed: "WHO  WROTE THIS!!?"
Then little Pepito raises his hand and says: "I did, teacher."

Angrily, the teacher asks: "Well, what does this mean PEPITO???"
"It means.....'From Us Chicano Kids, 1 Tamale'...."
Delta Force
Trogdor
Posts: 11,505
Registered: ‎01-07-2004

Re: JOTD

Taken from here)

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama bin Laden made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
      Gigabyte GA-DQ6-X38 | Core 2 Quad Q6600
CPU @ 9x367 (3.33GHz) | OCZ 2x2GB DDR2-800 4-4-4-12
2 x ATI HD 3870 CrossFire | 750GB and 320GB HDD
Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

[ Edited ]
 I like that one

Message Edited by callred on 07-29-2006 08:47 PM


Blooded Grunt
AMDnewbie2005
Posts: 4,260
Registered: ‎12-05-2005

Re: JOTD

lol, i wonder what would happen when George W makes it to the pearly gates...if he does....
Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

Since i'm a hunter i'd better give you guys a hunting joke
 
 

Be Very Quiet"


 
        A  father and  son went hunting together for the first time.

The  father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across

 the  field."

A  few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran  
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be  quiet."

The  boy, bless his heart, answered;

"Look,  I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.  
I was quiet when the bear  breathed down my neck.
I didn't move  a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and  held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed  the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started  itching.

But  when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and  said,

      Should  we eat them here or take them with us?'

"  Well, I guess I just panicked

 

 

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Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

Two guys from Tennessee were hunting together one morning when one of them slipped and tumbled headlong over a cliff.
The other guy, scared to death, found a way down and went to his partner's side. The first guy wasn't breathing. Panicked, the second guy took out his cell phone and called 911...
"911, what's the emergency?"
"My friend fell off a cliff and is dead, I don't know what to do!!!...."
"Well sir, please remain calm...  first we need to be sure he's dead..."

 A moment or two goes by and the operator hears a gun shot in the background....  then the guy comes back on the phone..

"OK, now what do I do?"



Shock Trooper
Gh3tTo5oLdIeR
Posts: 3,579
Registered: ‎08-14-2004

Re: JOTD

Employer: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”

Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

"You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.


16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized
because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood
and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation
because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.


Black Ops
Egglick
Posts: 8,483
Registered: ‎01-28-2004

Re: JOTD

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him."Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, and all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled,

"White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

 :smileyvery-happy:   :smileyvery-happy:   :smileyvery-happy:

Black Ops
jwhx
Posts: 12,487
Registered: ‎03-02-2004

Re: JOTD

International Council of Manhood Rules

Subject: International Council of Manhood Rules

 

As manly men, we must abide by these rules.

We must also crush all those who do not. 

 

 1.    Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

(e) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.

However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever! Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e.

both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou Shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"

with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Xbox. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.

Ever!

 Final Manhood definitions:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

 

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

 

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

 

We hope this clears up any confusion.

Image Created by Indigo196
Field Marshal
FS-Pongky
Posts: 6,320
Registered: ‎12-29-2003

Re: JOTD

^ heh guts n balls.. I like that last part.
Shock Trooper
Gh3tTo5oLdIeR
Posts: 3,579
Registered: ‎08-14-2004

Re: JOTD

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. 
 
 
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. 
 
 
The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray, "Take only ONE. God is watching."  
 
 
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 
 
 
A child had written a note, "Take all you want.  God is watching the apples".
 
 
11 Bay InWin Q500 Tower - Antec Tru Power Trio 650 PSU - 3 Case Fans - ASUS P5B Deluxe Wi-Fi AP - Intel E6600 - 4GB Corsair XMS2 DDR2 800 - EVGA GTX260 216 - Creative Labs Audigy2 ZS - 2ea 400GB Seagate SATA300 HD's - NEC 3550A DVD-DL - Toshiba Floppy - Pinnacle AV/DV Deluxe TV Card
Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

  Good one Bow...  and in that vein:

 A farmer was tired of all the hard work he put into his crop of watermellons, just to have people come by in the night and steal some. Thinking on the problem he came up with what he considered an easy, low cost solution...  he made a sign that read: "Warning; one of these watermellons has been laced with poison."

 The next morning he went to check his crop only to find a second sign that read:

"Now two of them have..."

Black Ops
Egglick
Posts: 8,483
Registered: ‎01-28-2004

Re: JOTD

A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.  The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah, right," she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks perhaps the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but by God, we got first and second place."
Field Marshal
FS-Pongky
Posts: 6,320
Registered: ‎12-29-2003

Re: JOTD

^ Hehe, not the best punchline but a funny image.

Here's one that Tetongo wrote in one of our siteseeing posts a while back:


I guy named Milton went to the doctor because he had a nasty worm in his lower intestine

Dr. Pungky please help me, I tried everything to get rid of this worm and it just keeps getting bigger and fatter! I’m desperate please help me doctor Pungky!

Ok Mr. Milton I will help you but it will be a little…let’s say an unorthodox practice! … Frontier medicine if you will!………....are you willing??

YES DOCTOR PUNGKY!
I WILL TRY ANYTHING!! JUST KILL THIS WORM!

Ok Mr. Milton, the procedure will require at least 5 days so for your tomorrow 5 o’clock please bring me 3 bananas and a Twinkie

Excuse me doctor?? Did you say 3 bananas and a TWINKIE?!?

YES YOU HEARD ME!! Please Mr. Milton DO as I Say

Ok Doctor Pungky

So the next day the guy shows up with the 3 bananas and the Twinkie and doctor pungky tells Mr. Milton to drops his pants and trousers

Meanwhile the doctor puts on his latex gloves…

Please Mr. Milton now bend over…

What?!? Says nervously the patient

You heard me Mr. Milton please shut up and bend over

So the patient bends over and doc pungky then proceeds to insert the bananas in Milton’s
Ass one by one! And he saves the Twinkie for last and inserts it also

Ouch doctor! WTF??

Shut up Mr. Milton and for the next 3 days please keep bringing me the same! 3 bananas and a Twinkie…

So the patient who felt humiliated by the unorthodox procedure thinks very hard and decide to do anything that doctor pungky ask of him just to get rid of the worm

So this goes from Monday till Thursday and by then the patient started to loose his cool
OK Doctor Pungky! That’s it! I had it!! NO MORE! I CAN’T WALK STRAIGTH AFTER THIS AND I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO ME!

Mr. Milton please feel free to shut the hell up and don’t be a wussie! tomorrows the last day so please bring me…

YEAH YEAH! I KNOW 3 BANANAS AND A FUCKING TWINKIE

WRONG Mr. Milton 3 bananas and a BASEBALL BAT!

WHAT?!?!? Are U fucking kidding me?? WHY THE HELL YOU NEED A BASEBALL BAT FOR??

Mr. Milton! Please stop your whining and do this and for tomorrow the worm will be history

So then came next day appointment and the patient brought the bananas and the bat

So when the doctor told him to loose the pants and the trouser by then the patient was a nervous wreck

Please Doctor what are going to do with the baseball bat?? Said the patient very nervously

Please Mr. Milton shut up and please bend over for the last time

And the Milton goes Shit! And then bends over shaking his legs very nervously

So doctor pungky then proceeds to insert the 3 bananas one by one and when he finished
He grabbed the baseball bat and got a very good grip on it and then he stood measuring and aiming the baseball bat at Milton’s ass …..

The patient started to pray very nervously………please lord give me strength

A few seconds later not even 2 minutes had gone by
The worm pops his head from Milton’s ass and asked with a chipmunk voice…

And my Twinkie?!?
…….

WHACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

/\  LMAO  :smileyvery-happy:

Shock Trooper
ripfire
Posts: 3,439
Registered: ‎01-07-2004

Re: JOTD

^^ Haha! Good one!
Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now and internet surfing will be tracked by  what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method."  The FBI says you will not  notice anything different.
 
For a demonstration, click on the link below...?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O >

http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

 

 

11 Bay InWin Q500 Tower - Antec Tru Power Trio 650 PSU - 3 Case Fans - ASUS P5B Deluxe Wi-Fi AP - Intel E6600 - 4GB Corsair XMS2 DDR2 800 - EVGA GTX260 216 - Creative Labs Audigy2 ZS - 2ea 400GB Seagate SATA300 HD's - NEC 3550A DVD-DL - Toshiba Floppy - Pinnacle AV/DV Deluxe TV Card
Delta Force
Trogdor
Posts: 11,505
Registered: ‎01-07-2004

Re: JOTD

Redneck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go."

"Well, what are you going to do, then?" Luther asks.

"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant."

"Yeah," Luther agrees.

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again."

"I remember," Luther says.

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

"Yep," Luther says. "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
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CPU @ 9x367 (3.33GHz) | OCZ 2x2GB DDR2-800 4-4-4-12
2 x ATI HD 3870 CrossFire | 750GB and 320GB HDD
Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

^   Thats a good one.  LOL

 

 

 

11 Bay InWin Q500 Tower - Antec Tru Power Trio 650 PSU - 3 Case Fans - ASUS P5B Deluxe Wi-Fi AP - Intel E6600 - 4GB Corsair XMS2 DDR2 800 - EVGA GTX260 216 - Creative Labs Audigy2 ZS - 2ea 400GB Seagate SATA300 HD's - NEC 3550A DVD-DL - Toshiba Floppy - Pinnacle AV/DV Deluxe TV Card
Field Marshal
FS-Pongky
Posts: 6,320
Registered: ‎12-29-2003

Re: JOTD

Oh my - what a totally redneck name "Earlene" is... in fact, reminds me of that simpsons episode with the country singer Lurlene who had the hots for Homer.
Shock Trooper
Gh3tTo5oLdIeR
Posts: 3,579
Registered: ‎08-14-2004

Re: JOTD

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor. When they got there, the doctor said, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try. It takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives them to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try the new machine. The doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father. The husband said "I feel okay, turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50%. The husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing." The doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", but the husband replied "I am ready." The doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband still didn’t feel a thing! They went home happy with a pain free labor! When they got home they were shocked to find the mailman was dead on the front porch!
Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

 The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller (a female) screamed:

 "[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there" Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: "You've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?"

 Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

*****************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, contact  Departure on 124.7."

 Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ...  by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of  dead animal on the far end of the runway."

 Tower: "Continental  635, cleared for take-off; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

 Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and roger, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

*****************************

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class.

The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her the seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way.

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked  the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."




Field Marshal
FS-Pongky
Posts: 6,320
Registered: ‎12-29-2003

Re: JOTD

^ I like that last one the best... funny!
Regular Infantry
Napoleon_Nomad
Posts: 1,076
Registered: ‎05-02-2006

Re: JOTD



callred wrote:
 The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller (a female) screamed:

 "[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there" Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: "You've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?"

 Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

*****************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, contact  Departure on 124.7."

 Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ...  by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of  dead animal on the far end of the runway."

 Tower: "Continental  635, cleared for take-off; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

 Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and roger, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

*****************************

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class.

The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her the seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way.

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked  the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."








ROFL. Nice one.

Dells rules, Apple rules, Nvidia rules
Hairdresser
Squiddy
Posts: 2,943
Registered: ‎06-13-2005

Re: JOTD

A Muslim Minister, a Rabbi and a Catholic priest are on a plane with 3 young boys.  The pilots are dead, the plane is going to crash and there are only three parachutes available.
 
The Rabbi says, "We've lived our lives, let the boys have the parachutes".
The Muslim minister says, "**bleep** the boys"
The Catholic priest says. "Do you think we'll have time?"
Sharpshooter
ICDP
Posts: 3,366
Registered: ‎01-07-2004

Re: JOTD



Egglick wrote:
A couple has a dog that snores.
...
"Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but by God, we got first and second place."


Reminds me of the song about the Scotsman... heard it on Dr. Demento plenty of times.
Blooded Grunt
AMDnewbie2005
Posts: 4,260
Registered: ‎12-05-2005

Re: JOTD

LMAO, but there's nothing wrong with a lime green hatchback :smileytongue:
Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

[ Edited ]
     

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

 

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

 

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

 

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

 

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

 

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,

"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

 

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy.

That would be Today and Tomorrow."

 

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

 

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess

the only answer can be twelve."

 

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

 

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... "

 

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what

I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

 

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

 

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

 

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song .........."ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "

 

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run!!!!!!!!!!"

 

 

 

Message Edited by Bowhunters on 08-02-2006 10:47 PM

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