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Delta Force
Trogdor
Posts: 11,505
Registered: ‎01-07-2004

Re: JOTD

[ Edited ]
The World's Thinnest Books:

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Barney Frank (D-Mass)

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton

Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF
PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT
DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

AMELIA EARHART'S
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

A COLLECTION of
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

DELICIOUS SPOTTED
OWL RECIPES
by PETA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

Message Edited by Trogdor on 04-11-2007 11:08 PM
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Black Ops
jwhx
Posts: 12,487
Registered: ‎03-02-2004

Re: JOTD

[ Edited ]
Ahhh...Bill Hicks. What a funny, funny man. Too bad he died way too early.


Message Edited by jwhx on 04-12-2007 08:12 AM
Image Created by Indigo196
Delta Force
Trogdor
Posts: 11,505
Registered: ‎01-07-2004

Re: JOTD

It's long, but sort of funny if you're familiar with software development/Microsoft/Alice in Wonderland.


Alice in Microsoftland

"Where am I?" asked Alice, as she peered at the large sign with the standard black letters.

"You're in Microsoftland", replied the security guard. "May I see your badge?"

"I don't have a badge."

"Did you lose it?"

"No." answered Alice in a puzzled tone. "How could I lose something I never had?"

"If is not lost then you must show it to me."

"I can't. I don't have one."

"Then you'll have to have a temporary."

"A temporary what?" asked Alice, more confused then ever.

"A temporary badge. What's your badge number?" requested the guard.

"I don't have one."

"Of course not, Bill Gates has 1. Give me your badge number, and your cost center."

"I'm so confused. I can't do this. I've already said 3 times why. Do I have to tell you 4?"

"Ahhh. 3XY -- badge number 4. You must be very important to have such a low badge number. I should have immediately recognized how low by your state of extreme confusion. Here's your temporary. Go right on in."

Alice pasted the sticky paper to her dress and headed down the hall. Not 10 feet ahead she saw a rather distressed looking rabbit coming toward her. He was dressed in a pair of torn, faded jeans, and a dirty tee shirt.

"What's wrong?" Alice asked.

"I'm late! I'm late!" exclaimed the rabbit as he peered at the PERT chart dangling from his pocket protector.

"Late for what?" asked Alice.

"My date. I'm going to miss my date. I've got a deadline to meet and I'm not going to make it."

"Well, if it's already dead, it probably won't mind. In fact it isn't likely to be going too far in such a state. I'm sure that however long you take will be just fine."

"You obviously don't understand. Everything takes longer than it really does. It doesn't matter what you are doing, only that you meet your date, and that's always impossible."

"Well if it's impossible, why would anyone expect you to meet it?" almost at once regretting that she had asked. Was this was going to be as confusing as badges?

"It's really very simple. In order to move forward, you need a goal. Any goal will do. It just has to be impossible to do. To motivate the troops, you have to make goals very challenging. It's really only there to get a stake in the ground, you know. After that we march in step until we reach our objective. The date really doesn't mean anything. You simply have to understand that we are going to do the right thing."

"But if the goal is impossible, and really doesn't mean anything, why are you trying to go there? Wouldn't it be simpler to first figure out what you are really going to do, then figure out how to get there?"

"You obviously don't understand process. And as I said before, I'm late so there is obviously only one thing to do."

"Hurry up and rush off?" Alice asked, hoping it would sound more like a suggestion than a question.

"No. No. No. A meeting. Let find the Mad Manager and a number of involved, interested, or warm bodies."

"That will obviously take a lot of time. I don't think you have any to waste."

"No it won't. All we have to do is find a conference room. There are lots of them right over here."

"But," started Alice, "those rooms are all full of people. Don't we need an empty conference room?"

"Silly thought. If we want to find the Mad Manager and some meeting attendees, why would we look in an empty conference room? Anyway, it's impossible to ever find an empty conference room."

The rabbit took Alice by the hand and promptly lead her into the largest, fullest conference room. Alice immediately noticed that the wastebasket was quite full of foam cups and overhead projector bulbs. These people had obviously been here for a long time.

At the head of the table sat a man with a rather funny suit wearing a large hat.

"Why" whispered Alice to the rabbit "is that man wearing that funny hat? Who is he?"

"I'm the Mad Manager," answered the man at the end of the table, obviously overhearing the question, "And I'll be happy to tell you why I'm wearing this Hat, but that topic is not on the agenda."

"Why don't we change the agenda?" asked a person in the corner.

"Is that a topic for another meeting?" replied the manager.

"Is what a topic for another meeting?" voiced a third. "The reason for the hat, or why we don't change the agenda?"

"Why don't we take this offline?" queried another.

"Does everyone agree that these are all topics we should address?" asked the mad manager.

"Possibly so," injected the person in the corner. "Could it be that we have a hidden agenda?"

"Oh no!" the Mad Manager began, the dismay obvious on his face. "Someone has hidden the agenda again! Let me put on my Process hat and we'll see if we can work this issue."

With that, he removed his rather amusing top hat, and placed a big green fedora on his head.

"Now, with my Process hat on, I'd like to address the issue of the hidden agenda. Since we can't have a productive meeting without an agenda, it is up to all of us to find it."

"But," a voice from the corner piped in, "who is going to drive this issue?"

"Do we have an action item here?" asked another attendee.

"Does anyone here want to work this?" asked the Mad Manager.

"Who originally brought this up?" asked another.

"I believe that the woman who came in with the rabbit proposed this. Shouldn't she own it?"

"Well," the Mad Manager stated, pointing to Alice. "I'd say that this is your issue."

"What issue? I don't have any issues," retorted Alice, nervously fingering her temporary badge. "I only posed a simple question."

"I'm not sure we can accept that," the manager declared. "We need a date."

"But," Alice began, remembering what the rabbit told her about dates, "a date is impossible."

From the back of the room another voice asked, "How about a date for a date?"

"The least we can ask it that you give us a date when you will be able to give us the date for the date," stated the person in the corner.

"I'm not sure I can do that," Alice said tentatively, "since I don't know what I'm supposed to give you a date for. I'm having a problem trying to figure out what you want me to do."

"We don't have any problems here, only opportunities!" piped a chorus of voices.

"It's really quite obvious," the Mad Manager declared as he reached behind him for a striped blue and gray beret, "let me put on my Microsoft hat for a moment." He continued doffing the fedora and flipping on his latest selection. "You must do the right thing."

"Yes, yes," chimed the chorus of attendees, "Do the right thing."

"Now, who is keeping the minutes?" the Mad Manager asked as he pitched the beret and placed the fedora back on his head. "We need to record this action item so we can come back to it later."

"We obviously can't deal with this issue until we can determine whose meeting this is!"

"Should we schedule some time to cover that topic?" asked one of the attendees.

"Who's going to drive this?" asked another.

Just as the Mad Manager was pulling out a rather worn pith helmet, a voice in the back suggested "Let's take a break and work some of this 1x1 offline."

Being closest to the door Alice was the first to leave. She quickly dashed down the hall and ran up the first flight of stairs she encountered, relieved to be free of the madness.

When she opened the door the scene that confronted her made her wonder if returning to the meeting wasn't a bad idea. Seated around a large oval table were what appeared to be giant playing cards, each dressed in a gray or navy blue three-piece suit. Around each neck was a rather oddly shaped handle (or were they nooses?) made of silk or polyester.

"Off with her head!" screamed the queen of hearts who was sitting at the head of the table. Alice noticed that her tie was silk, and each card seated near her was dressed in a suit and noose combination similar to the queen's.

"Why would you want to remove my head?" Alice asked. By now she was feeling beyond confused.

"It's not a modern, iconic, user-friendly, menu-driven, full-color, PC-compatible user interface," replied the Queen, in a tone that would need to come up two notches to be vaguely considered condescending.

"It happens to suit me just fine," retorted Alice.

"What are you, an engineer or something?" asked the 7 of spades.

"No, I'm Alice. Who are you?"

"Marketing," the group replied in perfect fifty-two part harmony.

"And what is that?" asked Alice.

There was a brief interlude of silence as each of the cards fidgeted with their ties, checked their watches and scribbled notes on the pads of paper contained in a handsome genuine imitation leather folder embossed with the company logo. Then one by one, as dominos would do, they turned to the person on the left until they all stared at the queen of hearts.

The queen cleared her throat, adjusted her tie a second time and stared directly at Alice. "We provide the strategic thinking necessary to grow this business."

"Oh," said Alice, "you figure out what products to build!"

"Heavens, no!" exclaimed the Queen, "That's too tactical. We feel it's our job to develop the vision for the long term."

"You develop things," began Alice, "so you build the products?"

In unison each member of the table made a face reminiscent of the look a small child gets upon tasting spoiled dead roaches for the first time.

"Uggggh, that's even more tactical," jeered the chorus.

"No! No!" shouted the Queen. "You still do not understand. We take the pulse of the key market leader's demand curve."

"I see now." said Alice, "You sell the products."

By now the chorus of cards chanting "Tac-ti-cal! Tac-ti-cal!" was becoming too much.

The Queen was furious and repeated her original greeting. "Off with her head! Off with her head!"

"Wait!" demanded Alice. "I believe I understand. You are all responsible for driving the solution opportunities for the key client supply perceptions through strategic vision management!"

Alice wondered if she should add something about the claws catching and frumious bandersnatches and thought that she'd best leave it at that before she became ill.

"Yes," screamed the cards, "That's exactly right!"

"And how, might I ask, do you accomplish these lofty and important goals?"

"By calling a BOD," the Queen responded.

"And what, pray tell, might that be?" inquired Alice as she looked for the quickest escape route, hoping that this jabber would keep her head attached long enough to get out.

"A Board of Directors," began the queen, just as Alice noticed the door to the left of the table. "It's a type of high level meeting."

"A meeting?!" exclaimed Alice. "Not another meeting!" With that she bolted for the door, no longer fearing for her head. Her only hope was that she could make it through before the agenda hit the overhead. In a dead run, she passed through the door just as the projector lamp flicked on. The sound of the fan was the last sound to fade as the door closed.

Breathlessly she looked up to see a large open area. Directly in front of her was an enclosed area lined on one side with triple chrome table. A stack of plastic trays was at the foyer.

As she wandered through an assortment of sandwiches, prepared foods, soft drinks and salad began their daily chant. "Eat Me! Drink Me! Eat Me!"

"Oh no," answered Alice, "I may know nothing about dates, and problems and meetings and agendas, and marketing and badges, but I do know food. I'm not gonna touch any of you. After the morning I've had, I deserve a nice cheese steak (no lettuce)!"

With that, Alice opened the nearest exit door and left. A resounding high pitched whine sang its midday good-byes as Alice returned to the real world.
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Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

 Woah, hitting a bit close to home for me, Trog ....   we're moving our offices in a month and you just handed me the biggest reason for my migraines   :smileysurprised:


Delta Force
Trogdor
Posts: 11,505
Registered: ‎01-07-2004

Re: JOTD

Hey, I did software development for a few years. I got fat, started having regular heartburn, was stressed out all the time, hated attending meetings that accomplished nothing (except feature creep), etc. I thought I was just getting old, but when I left that company, my heartburn and stress problems basically went away within a couple weeks. The fat, well, that took a lot more work. :smileytongue:
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Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

[ Edited ]

RECALLING THE KENTUCKY STATE QUARTER

 

Hang on to any of the new Kentucky Quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

 

The U.S. Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Kentucky quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, tollbooths, vending machines, pay phones, or any other coin operated devices.

 

The problem lies in the unique design of the Kentucky quarter, which was designed by a team of Kentuckians. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the machines.

 

 

 



Message Edited by Bowhunters on 04-14-2007 02:02 PM
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Delta Force
Trogdor
Posts: 11,505
Registered: ‎01-07-2004

Re: JOTD

Math 1950-2006

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

6. Teaching Math In 2006
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
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Airborne Ranger
ExcaliburXVII
Posts: 4,090
Registered: ‎07-28-2006

Re: JOTD

Sad, but becoming pretty much true... On that note, we need to stop kissing illegals asses. Deport those bitches. When they marched in Washington, all I thought was "There they are! **bleep**ing get them!"
Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD



ExcaliburXVII wrote:
Sad, but becoming pretty much true... On that note, we need to stop kissing illegals asses. Deport those bitches. When they marched in Washington, all I thought was "There they are! **bleep**ing get them!"


I totaly agree.    Let them come into America legally through a legal port of entry and get a green card, learn english and become a citizen the right way.    The same way legal imagrants have done for the history of our country.
 
Just because they came across the border in the middle of the night and had illegitimate kids here doesn't mean that they should be able to stay here like some members of the Senate and House want them to be able to do.
 
You know whats really ironic, the Mexican Govt. has been demanding that our Govt. stop building the border fence so their people can keep coming across illegaly and be given rights to live here in the U.S. but its against Mexican law for a U.S. citizen to move to Mexico and become a legal citizen in that country and buy and own land in Mexico.

I can go there on vacation and even live there long term as a guest of their country provided I have money but I can't become a Mexican citizen and own property in Mexico.

 

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Pathfinder
aznsniper911
Posts: 4,359
Registered: ‎08-31-2005

Re: JOTD



ExcaliburXVII wrote:
Sad, but becoming pretty much true... On that note, we need to stop kissing illegals asses. Deport those bitches. When they marched in Washington, all I thought was "There they are! **bleep**ing get them!"

Dude whats wrong with you? Have you seen their living condition? Go live in their shoes and tell us that you wouldn't do what they would do.

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Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

/\    I didn't read where either one of us said that couldn't move to the U.S..
 
What we are saying is do it legally, get a green card, learn english and become a legal citizen.
 
 
And don't you dare make it out that we are the bad guys, mexico has a ton of money in oil and other resources its just that their govt is so corrupt that they only allow a hand full of elite citizens own anything of value and have any big wealth.
 
 
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Pathfinder
aznsniper911
Posts: 4,359
Registered: ‎08-31-2005

Re: JOTD



Bowhunters wrote:
/\    I didn't read where either one of us said that couldn't move to the U.S..
What we are saying is do it legally, get a green card, learn english and become a legal citizen.
And don't you dare make it out that we are the bad guys, mexico has a ton of money in oil and other resources its just that their govt is so corrupt that they only allow a hand full of elite citizens own anything of value and have any big wealth.

Dude that is the problem. Most people are in proverty and can hardly survive in their country. Your saying get a green card, learn english and become a citizen. It's so frekaing hard now at days and dam long. Took my parents 15 dam years to do it but they were able to go through it becuase our family wasn't veyr poor or very rich either. They have no money and their living condintions are beyond horrible. They have no time since their family are starving and their jobs are giving them too little money. They work below minimum wage just so their dam family can survive in their country and risk death or deportation.

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Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

I feel for yah bud but put the blame where it belongs, blame that corrupt govt in Mexico and not the U.S. or its citizens that are paying for the illegal aliens that illegaly cross the border to live in the U.S. and make every legal citizen in this country pay higher taxes.
 
 
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Pathfinder
aznsniper911
Posts: 4,359
Registered: ‎08-31-2005

Re: JOTD



Bowhunters wrote:
I feel for yah bud but put the blame where it belongs, blame that corrupt govt in Mexico and not the U.S. or its citizens that are paying for the illegal aliens that illegaly cross the border to live in the U.S. and make every legal citizen in this country pay higher taxes.

But you can't just blame them and bash illegal immigrants for trying to survive and allow their familes to live. They are willing to work and they would like to get here legally but the United States is too strict and makes it way too hard for them to even do it at all.

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Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD



aznsniper911 wrote:


Bowhunters wrote:
I feel for yah bud but put the blame where it belongs, blame that corrupt govt in Mexico and not the U.S. or its citizens that are paying for the illegal aliens that illegaly cross the border to live in the U.S. and make every legal citizen in this country pay higher taxes.

But you can't just blame them and bash illegal immigrants for trying to survive and allow their familes to live. They are willing to work and they would like to get here legally but the United States is too strict and makes it way too hard for them to even do it at all.


Strict !?!?!?      You are wrong my friend.
 
Forever the U.S. and Mexico had an open border and the Mexican Govt kept pushing its citizens into the U.S. and now its estimated there are between 12-15Million illegal aliens here in the U.S., some of which want to work and some of which don't and are adding to the tax burden and still others that are adding to the criminal element and still others may be terrorists.
 
So many got a free lunch here in the U.S. and with the cost of fuel, food, medical care and everything else going up the free lunch has to stop sometime and now is better than years down the road when there is 30-40-50million illegal aliens here and even then some will still say the U.S. is too restrictive and is wrong in wanting to control its borders.
 
What is wrong is a Mexican Govt. that demanded that the U.S. Govt not build a fence along the border saying they would make an Internation Incident out of the deal, all the while they help illegals south of the border from Mexico and other countries find their way into the U.S.
 
It's got to stop.
 
 
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Pathfinder
aznsniper911
Posts: 4,359
Registered: ‎08-31-2005

Re: JOTD

^I guess we see this in a different perspective. May thats because I'm very close with alot of illegal immigrants and their families. I can see the pain they are suffereing and how hard it is for them. Open border? How about El Salvador, or Honduras. If the United States made it easier for all these people to become legal citizens of the United States, the situation won't be as intense. Everyone's afraid and hiding in their houess because America is not the dream that they thought of. Weren't the founding fathers of our country and their relatives had some ties to immigrants of these country? They got their freedom, how come the United States that we have now can't be so kind like before? Everyone's an legal immigrant the situation won't be like this.

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Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

[ Edited ]
I wouldn't disagree that some of its in the perspective.
 
My mothers side of my familty moved to the U.S. pre-WW1 (Irish and German) and so I have immigrants in my family background and they became citizens legally and so I have a hard time understanding why others don't want to and don't feel they have to.  
 
Do illegal aliens from south of the U.S. border think that they are better than my great, great grand parents from Europe?      I think not.
 
Also it's my belief that if the Mexican people want to do whats right they will fight to get things changed in Mexico, that country is one of the wealthiest in the world but as I said their people are some of the most poor because of the Govt corruption, hardly the fault of the U.S. Govt or its citizens.
 
 
 
 


Message Edited by Bowhunters on 04-15-2007 02:25 AM
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Pathfinder
aznsniper911
Posts: 4,359
Registered: ‎08-31-2005

Re: JOTD



Bowhunters wrote
Also it's my belief that if the Mexican people want to do whats right they will fight to get things changed in Mexico, that country is one of the wealthiest in the world but as I said their people are some of the most poor because of the Govt corruption, hardly the fault of the U.S. Govt or its citizens.

Some people have either two choices, like you said fight for the better of Mexico and all other countries under opression and let their families die or let their families live but do it in illegal way.

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Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

[ Edited ]
Sounds like the Mexican people need to start a revolution and kick a Mexican President squarely in the a$$.    :smileyhappy:
 
 
I know the U.S. Govt has had talks with the Mexican Presidents about helping the mexican people over the years but it doesn't ever seem to do any good in that area or any areas to speak of.
 
 
 


Message Edited by Bowhunters on 04-15-2007 02:50 AM
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Airborne Ranger
ExcaliburXVII
Posts: 4,090
Registered: ‎07-28-2006

Re: JOTD

It's not that hard. You act like it's the chore of a lifetime. Get a green card and a visa, come here, work, learn as you go, possibly with some classes, apply for citizenship, and you've got yourself a legal immigrant. You talk as if you expect citizenship to be as easy as filling out a form and moving. It's not, and it shouldn't, and hopefully will never be. Citizenship exists for a reason, no so people can country hop (Between any countries, not just Mexico to the US.).
Pathfinder
aznsniper911
Posts: 4,359
Registered: ‎08-31-2005

Re: JOTD



ExcaliburXVII wrote:
It's not that hard. You act like it's the chore of a lifetime. Get a green card and a visa, come here, work, learn as you go, possibly with some classes, apply for citizenship, and you've got yourself a legal immigrant. You talk as if you expect citizenship to be as easy as filling out a form and moving. It's not, and it shouldn't, and hopefully will never be. Citizenship exists for a reason, no so people can country hop (Between any countries, not just Mexico to the US.).

It is hard. Have you try to gain citizenship recently? For pete sake, the government is tripping with these stuff. We are trying to get my aunt and uncle into the country. Now when do you think we first tried to gain citizenship for them? 1990, thats 17 years ago and they are not here yet. You mamke it sound like it's easy oh get a green card and a visa which should be easy but it's not. Citzienship should be made easier and qucker for those who do not have the time to wait that long for the government to approve at all. You think they can afford the couple of years while their family are starving? Do you even know how inefficent the immigration office are?

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Delta Force
Trogdor
Posts: 11,505
Registered: ‎01-07-2004

Re: JOTD

Okay, that's enough: go start a new thread! This is supposed to be Joke Of The Day territory, and my post that started all this was a joke. You can debate this elsewhere, but at least let our jokes live on in (relative) peace! :smileyvery-happy:
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Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

Definition of Gutts and Balls
 
 
 
 
We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
 
 
But do you really know the difference between them?      In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below  -
 
 
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
              by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
              cleaning or are you just flying off somewhere?"
 
 
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
               perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
               and having the balls to say: "You're next."
 
           
               I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
 
               Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome of doing
               one over the other since both ultimately result in your death.       
 
    
               :smileyvery-happy:
 
 
 
 
 
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Egglick
Posts: 8,483
Registered: ‎01-28-2004

Re: JOTD

Airborne Ranger
ExcaliburXVII
Posts: 4,090
Registered: ‎07-28-2006

Re: JOTD

[ Edited ]





Message Edited by ExcaliburXVII on 04-16-2007 03:22 AM
Delta Force
Trogdor
Posts: 11,505
Registered: ‎01-07-2004

Re: JOTD

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... The congregation of 500 members only has seven last names in the church directory.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates are hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... instead of bells, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Strawberry Hill".

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... that "Thou shall not covet" thing applies to huntin' dogs, too.
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Veteran Rifleman
stuffedewok19
Posts: 2,125
Registered: ‎06-09-2006

Re: JOTD



aznsniper911 wrote:

Dude that is the problem. Most people are in proverty and can hardly survive in their country. Your saying get a green card, learn english and become a citizen. It's so frekaing hard now at days and dam long. Took my parents 15 dam years to do it but they were able to go through it becuase our family wasn't veyr poor or very rich either. They have no money and their living condintions are beyond horrible. They have no time since their family are starving and their jobs are giving them too little money. They work below minimum wage just so their dam family can survive in their country and risk death or deportation.



Waiit a minute...aren't you the one living in the house that was worth $700,000? And you have your own home theater system? Not to mention eat like a (Burger) king?

Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

 Guys, I love our witty repartee and all, but this is my joke thread....    I started it to have a place for everyone to just tell funny stuff to maybe give us a laugh now and then...    please debate in other threads....   ok?  :smileyhappy:


Veteran Rifleman
chriscoates81
Posts: 2,039
Registered: ‎02-11-2005

Re: JOTD

**BUMP**
Some people are like slinkies, utterly useless but great fun to push down two flights of stairs.
Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

[ Edited ]

One monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

 

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out of the house  with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

 

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments.

 

Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

 

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"

 

Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet.         Then all the women try to guess who it is."

 

The Mailman laughs and says," Damn, I am sorry I missed that."

 

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "your name was guessed four or five times and some of the husbands are looking for you!."

 

 

 



Message Edited by Bowhunters on 04-26-2007 12:32 AM
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Delta Force
Callred
Posts: 7,538
Registered: ‎03-23-2005

Re: JOTD

^ :smileyvery-happy:  :smileyvery-happy:

Blooded Grunt
Posts: 2,465
Registered: ‎11-14-2004

Re: JOTD

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hotshot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer coolly said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "But you started it."

-----------------------------------------------------

How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four, thefirst to ask what type of light bulb are you running? The second to ask you to reinstall it, the third to ask you to reboot your light bulb, and the fourth to say that it must be your light bulb because it running okay here.

------------------------------

Windows 98 is not a virus. Viruses are small and efficient!

------------------------------

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
Buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,
Dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a
Life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages
From here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That
Way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us
To remember 700 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping
you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your
Mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it
At once. We're just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and
Spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and
Flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
Electronics in it.

9. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's
Chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem.
We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have
Cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in
A scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by
Shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to
All 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly
What you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.


--------------------------------------------

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about
who might've designed the human body. The first one said, "It must've been a
mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff -
a mechanical engineer must have designed all that."
The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The
complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an
electrical engineer."
Then the third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run
a waste water line through a recreational area?"

___________________
This space for rent
Black Ops
jwhx
Posts: 12,487
Registered: ‎03-02-2004

Re: JOTD

^ Hahahaha.....the tech support one made me laugh.....and cry. I have to deal with people like that on a daily basis.
Image Created by Indigo196
Delta Force
Trogdor
Posts: 11,505
Registered: ‎01-07-2004

Re: JOTD

This one is DIRTY! You've been warned. :smileytongue:


A couple go on their honeymoon, but the lady is a little shy. After much dancing around the subject she finally admits that she thinks her hole is too big for her man.

He tells her she's being silly and after much coaxing she agrees to show him. And it's enormous!

The guy is so shocked he advises her to go to the doctor, and she gets in the next day.

When she gets to the doc's she explains the problem and he's very understanding, saying a lot of women feel this way but it's mostly their imagination.

So she gets on the examination table and puts her feet in the stirrups. The doc takes a look and then lets out one long whistle.

"I'm afraid to say that is the largest female sexual part I have ever seen," says the medical man. "So big I can not imagine how it got that way, and I've been a gynecologist for 22 years. There must be a medical reason, but I can't think of it," he admits.

The women blushes slightly and tells the doctor she knows. "When I was younger, I went on a holiday in India. And while I was there, I, ...well... I had sex with an elephant."

The doctor was obviously shocked but he said "I know that an elephant has a big penis, but it's still not big enough to stretch you that large."

"I know..." said the woman sheepishly. "But I let him finger me first."
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Delta Force
Trogdor
Posts: 11,505
Registered: ‎01-07-2004

Re: JOTD

Here's another one. Sad but true....


The Miracle of Miniaturization

When I was in grade school, I remember other kids who were hard of hearing -- they had to wear hearing aids. Back then, hearing aids were often pretty big: the size of a transistor radio (yeah yeah: no one remembers those anymore either! I'll say "pack of cigarettes" -- and hope that it won't be long before people have trouble understanding what size that is!) Anyway, they were pretty big, often worn in a shirt pocket with wires going up to earphones.

Naturally, kids felt awfully self-conscious with those wires coming out of their ears, which made them look "different". These days, thanks to the miracle of electronics and miniaturization, hearing aids are now so small that you often don't even notice when people are wearing them, and the hard-of-hearing don't have to feel self-conscious because of their hearing aids.

Well here we are in the 21st century. And these days, thanks to the miracle of electronics and miniaturization, most electronic devices are pretty tiny. Rather than needing a large stereo system with stacks of CDs (or, the horror!, vinyl records), you can now pack hundreds of hours of high fidelity music on a device the size of a pack of gum, often worn in a shirt pocket with wires going up to earphones.

Naturally, the kids who can't afford them feel awfully self-conscious since they clearly don't have them.

But the people who can afford them often have them turned up way too loud, pumping high-volume music directly into their ears for hours and hours every day -- resulting in a new generation of hard-of-hearing kids....
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Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

[ Edited ]
HAIRCUT
 
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
 
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."
 
The guy left.
 
 
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and again asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
 
The barber looked around at the shop and said," About three hours."
 
The guy left.
 
 
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
 
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
 
The guy left.
 
This time the barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.      Follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
 
A little while later Bill returns to the barbershop, laughing hysterically.
 
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
 
 
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and says to the barber.  "Your house."
 
 
 
 


Message Edited by Bowhunters on 05-21-2007 10:34 PM
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Delta Force
Trogdor
Posts: 11,505
Registered: ‎01-07-2004

Re: JOTD

A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge outside San Antonio one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father!"

"Mom and Dad are both dead," he said sadly, then turned back toward his doom. "I'm going to jump!"

"Wait!" she said. "Think of your wife and children!"

"My wife left me," he replied, "and I don't have any kids."

"Well, then," she said, grasping at straws, "think of the Alamo!"

He replied, "What's the Alamo?"

"Well bless your heart," she said. "Just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee!"
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Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

/\    Hahahahaha!!!
 
Thats a good one Trogdor!   :smileyvery-happy:
 
 
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Black Ops
Bowhunters
Posts: 10,372
Registered: ‎01-17-2004

Re: JOTD

[ Edited ]
Subject: Fw: The Queen Gives good advice
 
 
During the Queen of England's recent visit, George Bush asked her,  "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient
government?            Are there any tips you can give me?"
 
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
 
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
 
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's quite easy. Just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."     The Queen
pushes a button on her intercom.       "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
 
 
 
 
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, Your Majesty?"   
 
The Queen smiles and says, "Answer me this, please, Tony.     Your mother and father have a child.    It is not your brother
and it is not your sister. Who is it?"      Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty, that would be me."
 
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
 
 
 
Bush is impressed. After the Queen goes back to England Bush  smmons Dick Cheney  to the oval office.  "Dick, answer
this for me.     Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister.      Who is it?
 
"I'm not sure,"says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."  Cheney calls his advisors and asks everyone, but none can
give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Karl Rove's shoes in the next stall.
 
Cheney shouts, "Karl!       Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother
or your sister. Who is it?"       Rove yells back "That's easy. It's me!"
 
Cheney smiles and says, "Thanks!" and heads back to the oval office to speak with Bush.  "Say, I did some research
and I have the answer to the riddle.     It's Karl Rove."
 
 
 
Bush angrily yells, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!!!!
 
 


Message Edited by Bowhunters on 05-27-2007 03:28 AM
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Regular Infantry
madnuke
Posts: 1,470
Registered: ‎04-16-2005

Re: JOTD

HAHAHA, loved the double punch line ^_^
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