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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped Off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly." Message Edited by callred on 09-20-2006 03:30 PM Message Edited by callred on 09-20-2006 03:30 PM  Oke, time to bash lawyers.. heard this one from a friend, but I had to cut n paste from somewhere else.
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In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly starts massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing ?" "Well..." said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art." "That's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard !" the guy replied. "Look -- I'm a lawyer. Do you see me trying to screw the guy in front of me ?" 
ok, I'll go along:
Washington state attorney season and bag limits 1300.01 GENERAL 1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. 9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. 10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin. 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. BAG LIMITS 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5 4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2 5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT 6. Cut-throat 2 7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2 8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2 9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty
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 In keeping with Bow's part of the thread: The Perfect Dump Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it. The Beer Dump The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag) The Empty Roll Dump The Splash Back Dump The Childbirth Dump The Machine Gun Dump The Sound Effect Dump The Cling-On Dump The Whole Roll Dump The Encore Dump The Houdini Dump
Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly prick?"
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/\/\ Blonde Kidnapper ~ A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM." Signed, "The Blonde." She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another." "We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help Message Edited by callred on 09-25-2006 04:42 PM
/\ Good One, Bow
 Oldie... 31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life: 1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead . 2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz. 3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers. 4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card. 5. You disdain people who use low baud rates. 6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head. 7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it. 8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it. 9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number. 10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions. 11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature. 12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-) 13. You back up your data every day. 14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse. 15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid. 16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels. 17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind. 18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts. 19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names. 20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon. 21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling. 22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes. 23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow. 24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are. 25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old. 26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up. 27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires. 28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal. 29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better: the track ball or the track pad. 30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop. 31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face. 6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
I can't tell you how many times I've done this. Not really on purpose but some of the info the salespeople give out is just plain wrong. 
^^ Eh, unless they're trying to give incorrect information directly to me, I could care less. People who run out and spend thousands of dollars without any knowledge whatsoever of what they're buying (also see: ignorant, uninformed) deserve what they get. You could spend your whole life correcting salesmen, and in the end it would have no effect. The person at fault is the uninformed customer.
 i5 2500k | P67 | GTX460 1GB SC | Xonar Essence STX Samsung 2693HM | Sennheiser HD595s
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?" "Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit". Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her. "Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him." "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday I have never felt better. I was with my girlfriend for a year and we were going to get married. Our parents helped us in anyway they could. Our friends supported us. The only thing that bothered me is her younger sister. She was 20 years old and always wore mini skirts and tight clothes. When I was around she would always bend down next to me and reveal her panties. I knew she did this only when I was around to annoy me. One day this younger sister of hers calls me and says that she needs me to help her move. When I came to her house I realized she was there alone. She told me I was about to get married and that she wanted me for a very long time. She admited that she could not do anything with her sexual intentions towards me. She said she wants to have sex with me just one time before I get married to her sister. I was very surprised and didn't know what to say. She told me, "I am going upstairs, if you want you can just follow me and take me". When she came up she took off her panties and threw them to me. I was shocked and really surprised. I stood there for a while and went downstairs to the door. I came out of the house and went to the car. Outside was her dad, crying with a smile on his face. "We are very happy with the decision that you made, this was our little test to see if you were loyal to your future wife, now I know you are the man for her, welcome to our family", he said. Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car
Liked that one... ok, because I screwed up and retold Ghetto's joke, I need to bring you this... while not technically a joke, I thought it was funny....
DOGS CAN SNIFF OUT PIRATED DVD'S -- BUT THERE'S A HITCH Efforts by the Motion Picture Association of America to use dogs trained to smell the chemicals used to produce DVDs to nab movie bootleggers at airports have run into a hitch, the Washington Post suggested today (Wednesday). The newspaper said that two Labradors, Lucky and Flo, who were trained in Ireland by a man who also trains dogs to sniff out bombs, made an appearance in Washington Tuesday to demonstrate their talent (after already discovering a cache of bootleg DVDs at Stansted Airport near London). One "potential embarrassment," the Post observed: pirated DVDs smell just like legal ones. Link A SMALL WHITE DOT A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something 'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class ..... and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. ; "It's a period," he replied."I can see that ," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a period?" "Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was
'missing' one. Mommy fainted ; daddy had a heart attack , and the boy next door joined the Navy. A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way." "Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again." A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?" Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
The Top Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
50. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Supposedly this is a real memo sent out (back when optical mice were not the standard):
Mouse Balls & Mouse Ball inspector I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences. 'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer. 
What would you do?
 You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer below* Get your drunk butt off the merry-go-round.
There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.
She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense. When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors. She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at. The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first." Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed. As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit" Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight." Message Edited by callred on 10-10-2006 08:33 AM 
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